want to say this isn't my fault," Snow White announced, as she tugged on
the manacles holding her hands above her head for the hundredth time.
"Not your fault!" spluttered Cinderella, straining against the chains wrapped around both her and Snow White's waists, pinning them back to back. "You were the one who suggested we all went on holiday together."
"Yeah but I wanted to go to the hidden valley of twenty four hour partying," Snow White retorted. "It was Rapunzel who decided we should come here instead."
"Well I didn't know this was going to happen, did I?" Rapunzel wailed from where she was manacled to the cold stone wall.
"You could researched it a little better though," Snow White continued. "Come to the enchanting land of Hyrule, walk through the Kokiri Forest, hike up Death Mountain, relax on the shores of Lake Hylia. But please note, the evil, sorcerer king of evil who rules it has a bit of a thing for kidnapping princesses."
"You aren't helping Snow!" Sleeping Beauty snapped as she tugged at the chains restraining her hands behind her back.
"In case you haven't noticed, I'm not really in much of a position to be helping anyone right now," Snow White barked in reply.
None of her three fellow princesses could be bothered continuing the argument. Squabbling among themselves wasn't going to get them out of this situation. They all resumed struggling vainly against their varying restraints, casting their minds back to how they had ended up like this.
They had decided to put their ordeal of their last adventure behind them by going on holiday. The arguments waged over where they should go were almost epic enough to write a thousand page story in itself. Eventually they had settled on Rapunzel's suggestion, and quickly made arrangements to set off for the land of Hyrule.
Yet none of them realised that the leaflet Rapunzel had got the information from was seven years out of date. So when they arrived they found the once peaceful land was now under the control of a tyrant king, and the region was now filled with monster. Moreover, the tyrant king was busy searching the world for a missing princess, so he did not waste any time when he learnt that four of them had turned up in Kakariko village asking where they could have a 7:30 booking for a table of four.
Before the princesses decided it would probably be best to abandon their trip the king made his move. His servants had raided their inn while the four young women had dinner. Within minutes all four had been overpowered, bound, gagged and thrown into a cart to be transported to their prison.
That had been hours ago now, and already the princesses were thoroughly fed up with their predicament. They were all bound differently, save for Snow White and Cinderella who were chained back to back in a standing position. Manacles attached to the ceiling hoisted their hands above their heads, and attached to their feet were large iron balls, hindering their ability to move their feet. Rapunzel was pinned against the wall by iron restraints screwed into the stonework, holding her wrists at head level on either side. Finally Sleeping Beauty was sat on a pile of straw with her arms shackled behind her and fixed to a rung in the wall, with another set of shackles locked around her ankles.
"Whoever this nutcase is, he's going to have to watch his family jewels very closely when Prince Charming gets here!" Sleeping Beauty snarled, shifting about on her bed of straw as she tried to make herself more comfortable.
"Not if my hubby get's there first!" Snow White growled, wriggling her fingers as she attempted to restore feeling to them.
By the wall Rapunzel gave a loud sniff, as shifted her feet whilst trying to avoid standing on her long flowing locks. "It's just not fair," she pouted.
"Tell me about it!" Cinderella sighed, breathing gently so the chains wrapped around her waist didn't cause her or Snow White too much discomfort.
"I mean, you guys have got these amazing blokes who slay monsters and travel great distances to save you, and all I've got is this stupid haircut," Rapunzel continued.
“Not really the best time to be worrying about your love life," Sleeping Beauty remarked with a hint of exasperation in her voice.
Ignoring her remark, Rapunzel gave a long, desperate sigh. "All I want is a strong, powerful hero who comes to my rescue, fighting through armies of vicious, bloodthirsty monsters in the process, then afterwards takes me home, provides for my family and will help me clean the house. Is that too much to ask?"
None of her fellow prisoners had a chance to reply, because at that point the door to their cell swung open with a loud groan. They all stood still and held their breath, wondering who, or indeed what, was about to enter their prison. Would it be a horrible lizardman, a skeleton warrior, or even the king of evil himself?
But instead, in stepped a figure clad in a white and blue outfit, with a strange symbol emblazoned in red on their chest that resembled a creature with a single eye. Their face was concealed by a swath of bandages that completely covered their lower face, so only their eyes were visible underneath a sweeping blonde fringe.
"Don't be alarmed. My name is Sheik of the Sheikah. I am here to release you," the figure announced as they stepped forward.
Rapunzel seemed particularly interested in the new arrival. Tossing her very long fringe out of her eyes she said, "So, you've entered a monster infested castle and broken into its dungeons, just to rescue us."
"You must remain quiet," Sheik said quietly. "If the guards are alerted to my presence then none of us will ever escape this castle."
"Until my husband comes and kicks this kings sorry ar..." Snow White began, before Sheik swiftly interrupted her.
"The people of this kingdom have suffered greatly these past years. A war with your kingdoms would only add to their troubles. It is my responsibility to ensure that does not happen."
"Wow, who made you ruler of everything?" said Cinderella.
Sheik didn't answer, instead stuffing the keyholes in Cinderella and Snow Whites manacles with a fine powder. "I made this from ground up Deku Nuts and Bomb Plants. When burnt using the magic of Din's Fire, it should break apart your restraints without injuring you."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Snow White asked, not sounding convinced by what their rescuer was saying.
"Hang on, what are you going to try and do? Blow our arms off?" Cinderella gaped.
"Not like you have any better ideas," Rapunzel snapped, leaping to Sheiks defence.
"Will you lot keep it down before whatshisface gets here?" Sleeping Beauty hissed.
"No point girls. I'm already here," said a deep, resonating voice from the cell door.
Everyone turned to the doorway and saw a man dressed in jet black armour, with a red cape draped over his shoulders and back. His skin was heavily tanned, his hair was a flaming red with a yellow jewel embedded into his forehead. He had a triumphant smirk on his face, the kind reserved for villains who have just thwarted a rescue attempt.
"Welcome to my kingdom ladies!" said Ganondorf. "I hope you are enjoying your stay? Please don't expect to be leaving with this little intruder, because soon they'll be joining you in captivity!"
Sheik had other ideas, and producing a large knife lunged towards him. But Sheik hadn't got far before being landed on by a creature that had just fallen from the ceiling. The captive princesses gasped when they realised the creature was shaped like a human hand. As Sheik struggled to break free from its grip Ganondorf clicked his fingers, and four goblin creatures armed with coils of rope rushed past him. Sheik managed to battle away the hand creature but was instantly jumped on by the goblins.
The princesses all shouted words of encouragement for the fighting Sheikah, but ultimately it was all in vain. Soon Sheik was stringently bound, arms and legs encased in rope, and forced onto the floor in a kneeling position.
Ganondorf triumphantly strode over to his latest prisoner, before grabbing Sheik by the chin whilst smiling wickedly. "You pitiful fool. Did you honestly think you stood a chance against me, leader of the Gerudo's, king of evil and wielder of the Triforce of Power?"
"Are you Hylians speaking in French or something?" asked Snow White.
"You won't get away with this!" Sleeping Beauty bellowed. "Sheik won't be the only one to come looking for us!"
Ganondorf scoffed at her warning. "It does not matter who comes after me now, because I finally have both the Triforce of Power and the Triforce of Wisdom in my possession. Isn't that right...Princess Zelda?" With that he grabbed the bandages over Sheiks face and ripped them away.
The four princesses gasped as long locks of blonde hair spilled out over Sheiks shoulders as her face was revealed for the first time. She was young and very beautiful, with gentle blue eyes and long elf-like ears. It was the face of none other than Zelda, crown Princess of Hyrule.
"I don't believe it. She's a Princess too!" Cinderella gasped
"She's beautiful," breathed Sleeping Beauty.
"She's a girl?" howled a devastated Rapunzel.
"Turn around Cinderella, I can't see a damn thing," Snow White huffed.
Zelda glared at her captor, a defiant smile growing on her face despite her tight bindings. "Your days are numbered Ganon!" she said. "Link has completed his quest to awaken the six sages. He will be here shortly for a showdown with you, and with the power of the sages on his side there is no way you can possibly win!"
Ganondorf laughed at her. "I have waited years to have you kneeling at my feet Zelda, but I haven't been waiting to hear your smart mouth. Silence her, and make her more secure!"
The goblins did as ordered, wrapping a cloth over Zelda's lips and knotting it behind her head underneath her hair. She didn't resist as this was happening, instead continuing to glare at Ganondorf fiercely, indicating that whoever this Link was, she had complete faith in his ability to rescue her. That didn't help her in the short term however, as she was pushed face first to the dungeon floor, where her hands were fixed to her ankles in a rigid hogtie.
"Is that what you do to people who stand up to you then?" Sleeping Beauty snarled at Ganondorf as she watched Zelda being bound.
"Silence wench, or else I'll put a stop to that wild tongue of yours as well."
"Don't you go calling my friend a wench matey!" Snow White barked,
"Yeah, don't think you can take your anger out on us, just because you were bullied at school for being ginger!" mocked Cinderella.
"Enough!" Ganondorf roared. "Moblins, silence these women!"
"Oh great going guys, no really, good job," Rapunzel sighed. "That's just what this situation needed, for us to be tightly gagggmmmmm!" She was cut off by the goblin creatures pulling a cloth over her lips, while others did the same to Snow White, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. Now all five princesses were gagged. They grunted into the cloths covering their lips as they strained for freedom, filling their cell with the sound of rattling chains and rustling dresses.
Ganondorf couldn't resist breaking out into a fit of manic laughter at the sight of them. "Now you all see how useless it is to resist me. I have power beyond your imagination. And if you think that green tunic wearing hero of yours has what it takes to stop me, then I'm afraid you're going to be bitterly disappointed."
And so follows one of the most epic stories heard by man. A tale of defying all the odds in the name of love. A tale filled with battling armies thousands of men strong, colossal monsters in need of slaying and magic capable of shattering the earth itself. A tale so grand and epic in scale, that I could never hope to do it justice in a poxy little fanfic like this.
So basically, what happened afterwards was...
"Wow Link, you were incredible in that final battle with Ganon!" Rapunzel said in her most charming voice. "I mean I was a bit worried when he killed you, but then BAM, fairy in a bottle!"
Link politely nodded at her, before slowly shifting further along the bench they were sat at. Rapunzel however wasn't going to give up yet, and shifted back closer to him, wrapping her long hair over his shoulders in an attempt to keep him close.
"I really appreciate you rescuing me and my friends," she cooed. "Maybe once this party has died down a little I can show my appreciation to you in full."
For a young man who had slain an evil king and liberated an entire kingdom, Link suddenly looked terrified. Fortunately for him help was at hand, when Snow White appeared, grabbed Rapunzel by the arms and pulled her away. "Come and dance with us, I love this song," she announced as she tugged Rapunzel towards Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, who were happily dancing with a crowd of party goers in the centre of Lon Lon Ranch.
"Let me go" Rapunzel cried, trying to wrench herself free from Snow White's grip. "Don't you even think of spoiling my chance with this guy."
"Sorry, but doesn't look like you ever had much of one," said Cinderella, motioning back to Link with her head. They all turned to see Rapunzel's seat had been occupied by Zelda, now dressed in a flowing pink gown emblazoned with Hylian Royal Family insignia. They were both holding hands while staring into each others eyes very happily.
"Oh it's just not fair!" Rapunzel exclaimed, stamping her foot sulkily. "Why are all the good men taken?"
"Cheer up, there are plenty of other good men out there!" said Sleeping Beauty.
"Scuse me ladies, but I couldn't help overhearin' that one of youse was single?" said a voice from behind them.
Rapunzel turned and saw Talon, owner of Lon Lon Ranch, standing there with a bunch of hastily picked flowers in his hand. She gave one look at his bushy moustache, stained with dried Lon Lon milk, and couldn't help but give a shudder.