Eurovision Nightmare




Well, we seem to be about ready to start here in Oslo, so let the games begin!  First up is the Ukraine, with a lovely little ditty...


“Hurry up with those drinks Sally – the fun’s about to begin!”


“All right, all right – have you got the drinking game cards ready?”


“Yes I have – and Betty’s on the way with the Chinese.  Now get a move on.”


“Keep your crop top on, Debs, I’m here.  Sit over and take a bottle.”


“Thanks – my god, what is she wearing?”


“Not sure – looks like a cross between a Cossack outfit and a stripper’s bra.  Sounds nice, though.”


“Only if you think the height of musical sophistication is Teach In.  Was that the doorbell?”


“Yeah – I’ll go and let Betty in.  She’s probably got her hands full of bags.”


Well, that was exciting in a perverse sort of way.  Anyway, this looks as if it is it might be a little bit lighter, as we go to the Irish entry from Donnie Gall, called My Lovely Horse...


“How the hell do they get away with it, that’s what I don’t understand?  Every year the same thing, and every year they either win or bomb out.  Sally, just let her in, will you – there’s a wind blowing through here that makes it feel like Siberia.”




“Just close the door and sit down, Sally.”




“Wha... Oh shit.”


“Just sit down and put your hands on your head.  You sit down next to her, all right?  Boys, get in here.”


“Sally, what the hell’s going on?”


“I’ve no fucking idea; moment I opened the door that git grabbed me and held me against the wall while the other two came in.”


“Shut up and look forward – see what’s happening on the show next.”


Well, another typically Irish lilting ballad – makes me wish I was in my green shorts on the rolling hills of Derry.  Anyway, moving swiftly along, let’s see what the little men of Belgium have to offer us.  I’m told this is an ode to a favourite of children everywhere in Benelux, or a strange new move of the Blue Man Group – one or the other.


“Debs – what are we going to do?  Betty is going to walk in on this any fucking minute, and we can’t warn her.”


“I don’t know, Sally – I’m having enough trouble stopping myself from pissing into my pants just now.”


“Hey – no talking.  We’ll take care of you both soon enough.”


“Hey – why’s the front door open?”


“Keep your trap shut ladies, or you’ll get a new hole in your skulls...”


“Sal, Deb, I said why is....”


“Why don’t you hand those bags to the guy next to you, love, and sit next to your friends.  Then we can get started.  Do as you’re told, and you get a tale to tell your friends.”


“Deb, what’s going on?”


“I’ve no idea, Betty – this lot burst in a few minutes ago and made us sit here.”


“Hands on head and shut up, girls – we don’t want you silenced earlier than you have to be.  We just need to use your flat for an hour or two, nothing else.  You – watch over them while I have a rummage round their bedrooms.”


“What the fuck do you think you’re going to find – we’re students, not airline hostesses!”


“Debs, be careful – I think they mean business.”


“Shut up and look at the television, you stupid bints!”


“All right, all right – hey, he’s a bit of all right, isn’t he?”





Well, he had a lovely voice, and the ladies are going to vote for him in droves after that little stunt with the shirt.  France must be one of the favourites after that performance.  While the rest of Europe watches a commercial break, let’s talk to past winner Jonny Logan who joins us here...



“Right – you.”




“Yes, you.  Stand up and put your hands behind your back.”




“Because we need to keep your three out of the way and quiet while we do our work, and you’re going to be first.  That’ll teach you to be so gobby to me.  Now stand up, and pick one of your friends.”


“It’s all right, Debs, I’ll do it.  If he does it, I think it might be a lot worse.”


“Good girl – now, you just sit there with your hands on your head, your turn will come.  Here – catch.”


“You must be joking.”


“DO I look like a comedian?  Do it – now!”


“All right, all right, I’m sorry Debs.”


“Don’t worry, Sally – I know you don’t have a choice.  Just get it over with.”


“All right – here we go.  Let me know if it’s uncomfortable.”


“No – although the ripping sound I don’t like.  Just get it over with – and try not to get it on my jumper.”


“Oh don’t worry about your jumper – it will get on there eventually.  Now, around her waist and fix those wrist into her back nice and tightly.”


“Fuck – I just bought this as well.  Well, at least the insurance is – shit, that hurt.”


“Sorry, Debs – my hand are shaking.”


“All right, Sal, I’m sorry, it’s not your fault.  How are you doing, Betty?”


“Oh god, oh god, oh god, what are we going to do....”


“Just calm yourself down Betty; we don’t have a choice in this.  What now?”


“Around her arms and chest – we want that jumper to fit nice and snugly, don’t we?”




“Hey – I have to have some small pleasure in my work.  Nice job, girlie – now help your friend to sit down and tape her ankles together.”



Well, I can feel the tension building in the auditorium now, as it’s the turn of the host country to sing their entry.  Norway, of course, are famous for being the first country to score nothing, but they have won twice before – so let’s see what they have to offer now.


“Are you all right, Debs?”


“I’ll live – at least I took my boots off earlier, but this is going to ruin these jeans.”


“Enough yapping – give the roll to the other girl, and put your hands behind your back.”


“I can’t.”


“I’m sorry – I just told you to do something.”


“I can’t – I have a dodgy shoulder, and I can’t bend my arms behind my back.”


“All right – put your hands out in front of you, palms together, and then you can tape them together.”


“It’s all right, Betty – just do what he says and I’ll be fine.  Try not to listen to the tape, but look at my face, all right?”


“That’s a good girl – now, tape her arms to her side around her chest.”


“I’m sorry, Sally, I’m so sorry..”


“Hush, hush, Betty – you need to be a brave sister for me, all right?  Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.  Here – let me sit down, and don’t worry about my top – I can always buy another.”


“Right – now her ankles, then her legs, all right?”


“All... all right, just don’t hurt us please?”



Oh, that was a happy sound if ever there was one.  Well, I hope you’re glued to your seats, because it’s the UK entry next.  Let’s see if this young lad has what it takes to get the job done.


“We’re through to downstairs, boss.”


“Good lad – you take care of the third girl here while we get what we came for.  Put her on the floor – I don’t want her helping the others.”


“All right, lass – hands behind your back and stand still.”


“Sally, I’m scared.”


“We’ll be all right Betty – just let him do to you what has been done to us.  It’s not as bad as it looks – just like being in a tight blanket, and at least our skin won’t get marked.”


“All right, all right – but I just bought this dress.”


“It looks lovely on you – if I was so inclined, I’d have made you take it off, but I’m not.  Just stand still while I secure your arms.”


“I suppose we should be grateful you haven’t done worse to us – just what are you up to anyway?”


“Well, we want something from the shop underneath – and your back yard lets us get in reasonably quietly, otherwise we’d have to break the front door down.  Kneel down, and then lie flat on your stomach.”


“Like this?”


“That’s good – here, put this under your head.”


“Thanks – so how long will you be here?”


“Another hour or so, I think – I’m sorry we had to do this to you, but the boss is insistent on no interruptions.  There – now, where are your mobile phones?”


“In our handbags, why?”


“Need to make sure you can’t raise the alarm, that’s why.  Stay where you are and no loud noises.”


“Not even cheering if Britain wins?”


“I’ll allow that – but no trying to raise the alarm or you will regret it.”


“He’s a bit of all right as well, isn’t he?”


“How the hell can you tell with that stocking over his head?”


“So what – he’s fit and toned – isn’t that all that matters?”


Just one more entry to go, and it’s the Turkish entry.  Expect flowing skirts and high jumps – and the girls will try something nice as well.


“Right, ladies, we’ll be on our way in a few minutes, but there is something we need to do first.”


“Oh – well, the shotgun’s over there, so go ahead – shoot yourself.”


“Funny – very funny – you’re first.”




“Wht th fck?”


“Just sit still while I put this on – there now – that should keep you nice and quiet.  All right, lass – do I have to force this past your teeth or will you open nice and wide.”


“All right, but please - my sister, she’s an asthmatic, a severe one, she mustn’t have a ball in her mouth.”


“All right – so and find something else for her.  Now, open wide.”


“Thnk u.”


“You’re welcome – an asthmatic?”


“Yes – ever since I was a kid.  Please, don’t tape over my mouth – I have to breathe.”


“Here, boss.”


“Excellent – all right, open wide and then close your lips over the cloth.”


“Lk ths?”


“That’s right.  All right, men – move out!”


“Btty, dnt cr, thr gn.”


“ll rght, llrght – wht r w gng t d?”


“M trng t gt fr, bt t tp wnt gv”


“hng n”


“wht, db?”


“M gng t tr t gt t t ktch – st clm...”


Well, that’s all the work done now, there’s nothing more to be done except to vote.  So, while they tally up the count, let’s have a quick look at what’s happened tonight...