The Cat
Advises
Although these
days I am an antiques expert and dealer, part of that which does involve
consulting with clients who may have questions about their security and
sometimes that does involve helping them experience what could happen if they
are unfortunate enough to be paid a visit by younger professionals. Let me
illustrate what I mean with some recent visits.
Consider, for
example, Audrey. She is a local businesswoman, in her early fifties, and when
she called me in to assess some Dresden China she had she was wearing a purple
sweater and a short black leather skirt, with dark hose and knee length brown
leather Frye boots. She had long brown hair, and as we talked about her
collection I saw she was making notes on an iPad she had in a red folder.
As she sat on
the brown leather sweater, I provided my assessment, and she thanked me for
that and then she looked at me, and asked if I had ever experienced a robbery
at my place.
Well, I was
honest, and said I had not but I knew of people who had been robbed. I did,
however, ask why she had asked me and she told me she had been watching an old
television series called The Baron. I knew the series - one of Lew Grade’s lesser known efforts. Mildly interesting to me for obvious
reasons the main character is an antiques dealer, but in the books he is a
reformed jewel thief.
Audrey nodded
as I answered her, and then she asked if I would do her a favour - and a friend
when she called in a few minutes. I asked what the favour was and she smiled as
she stood up, and left the room, coming back with a box which I could see ropes
sticking out from. Setting it down, she said she wanted to be tied up like the
lead character’s secretary and when her friend arrived, then I would it her up
as well before I stopped them both from talking.
I asked if she
was wiling for me to do this, and she nodded as she sat on the settee, her back
against one armrest as she stretched her legs out, and then held her hands
together in front of her in prayer. She had no idea of my past career, so I
feigned nervousness as I took some brown rope from the box and tied her wrists
together, and then used two more lengths to tie her legs together at her ankles
and below her knees.
Audrey nodded
as I used one more length to tie her wrists to the rope round her legs below
her knees and then the front doorbell rang. She sked if I could let her friend
in, and I obliged smiling as I recognised the new arrival.
Laura was an
old client of mine about the same age as Audrey, and wearing a long-sleeved
dress with grey sleeves and a cowl neck, a black, blue
and white swirl pattern on the dress as well. She was also wearing dark hose,
in her case with black suede boots - and a smile as she asked why I was there.
I told her I
was advising Audrey on her collection but she had asked me to do something else
as well. That made Laura raise an eyebrow and she giggled when she saw her
friend struggling on the couch, the squeaking sound of leather on leather there
for all to hear. Laura laughed in return, and asked if she was having a Baron
fantasy again.
Audrey nodded
as Laura said well, she would have to be held captive
as well, and lay face down on a blue floral couch on the other side of the
room, putting her hands behind her back as she looked at me.
Well, I am too
much of a gentleman to refuse such a request so I crossed and bound Laura’s wrists
together over the cuffs of hr sleeves with the rope, and then secured her
ankles together as well as her legs below her knees. Audrey could see how the
black fabric of Laura’s boots grew lighter under the binding, before Laura
rolled onto her side and I placed a cushion under her head.
Which left the
question of the evil burglar keeping them quiet. There was a roll of brown
sticking plaster in the box very appropriate for the period the show was set in
so I pressed a strip down over each of their mouths, and let them struggle for
a while as I kept watch, to ensure they came to no harm.
And then, when they were ready. I made some tea and released
them so we could sit and talk
I do
occasionally do mock robberies as well - not for personal gain, but I do get
requests from people who know of my experiences to do this for clients of
theirs. One recent unusual one came from a colleague in Derby, who asked if I
would act in this way to demonstrate to a client how easily she could be the
victim of a robbery. Now, we get releases and such like signed, so I agreed to
do it -which is why that particular Saturday afternoon
I was using some lockpicks to open the back door of a terraced house along the
old A50, and then getting in with a rucksack of supplies. I could hear the
television was on, and I made my way along I was wearing a black jumper and
pants, with black leather gloves, but when I looked in I saw that the old Star
Trek series was on the television, and the lady in question was watching
wearing a copy of the female uniform of the time. That was a red long sleeved
mini dress with gold trim on the sleeves, a black collar nd a Star Trek badge
on her left breast, dark tights and black knee length
leather boots.
She had no idea
I was there until I put my gloved hand over her mouth. She struggled - and then
I told her I had been sent by her security advisor to make a point. She nodded
at that, and then mumbled something that I could not hear. Taking my hand away,
she said she had been warned and I was going to do what a real intruder would
do.
To both of them.
I wondered what
she meant by that, and then her husband came in wearing a long-sleeved gold top
with the same decorations, and black shoes. He looked at me, and asked if I was
the tester for their lack of security. Well, I admitted I had been asked to show
how easy it was, and he said one word.
“Good.”
I then asked if
they both agreed to continue, and hey both nodded as I took a roll of white
tape from my bag, and tossed it at him, telling him he had to ape his wife’s
ankles and legs together. They kept talking to each other, mainly about how he
was right and she was wrong, she formed three bands of tape at her ankles, and
her legs above and below her knees once I had assured her this tape was one
that would not damage her boots or her clothing.
I then Invited
him to sit next to her as I took her hands behind her back and taped her wrists
together, before I did the same for him and then taped
his ankles and legs as well as they both watched the program. White tape over
their mouths ensured they could not call for help, before I left them to enjoy
their show and made my way round the house, gathering their valuables.
No, I did not
steal them I placed them on the low table in front of them as well as a pair of
scissors I had found, and told them when they were ready, they could free
themselves and then their advisor would contact them.
I left them and
went on my own way but I did hear a couple of weeks later they had upgraded
their security and their insurance
Amongst the
people who refer clients to me are former police officers -a nd the former
Detective Sergeant Bobbi Court is one of them. How she discovered my other
talents is a tale in itself, and it involves me being
called to her flat one day. Not an unusual thing but I knew she had retired the
previous evening, and the text seemed to be worded in a strange way.
So I drove to
the block of flats she lived in, went to her front door, and rang the doorbell
and there was no reply. I rang the doorbell again, and then bent and looked
through the letterbox and I could see the mess in the hallway, which also gave
me cause for concern.
I called her
back, but her phone was off -so I looked at each side, and then took my set of
lockpicks out, getting into her flat with little trouble. As I closed the door,
I heard the muffled calls and made my way to a bedroom, where I found DS Court.
She was lying
on her bed, wearing a red jumper over a designer top, a knee length black
skirt, black tights with a white pattern and black shoes - and the edges of a
black cloth were sticking out from between her lips as she looked at me.
Her wrists were
held together with a pair of handcuffs, which were looped round the headboard,
and her ankles and legs were held together with zip ties another zip tie round
her head and keeping the cloth in place.
I looked at her
and used a penknife to cut the zip tie round her head, then pulled out the
black cloth as she asked what I was doing there. Rescuing her, by the look of
things, was my reply as I used my tools to release her handcuffs, and then used
my penknife at cut the zip ties and remove the very, very wet cloth from her
mouth.
Turned out an
old case of hers had decided to visit her and celebrate her retirement with a
touch of revenge and she was allowed to send a text to someone before he tied
her to the bed. I was the lucky recipient and then one I had released her and
given her a drink of whisky, she let her colleagues know
Esther Lord
runs an insurance office, and she had used my services from time to time for
evaluations and then came the time she asked me to stage a robbery in her
office, so she could assess the risks involved in that and take appropriate
action.
When I called
at act this out, she was wearing a green top with brown fur cuffs and collar,
and real old fashioned chintz print, as well as a short dark denim skirt, hose and mid-calf black leather boots with a three-inch
stiletto heel. Her brown hair was cut short, and she watched as I explained if
she was in the office, the intruder would most likely made sure she stayed on
the computer chair she was sitting on.
So I started by
taking her arms round the back of the chair, and securing her wrists together
with rope, before tying the rope to the back support. I then knelt
down in front of her and bound her ankles tightly together, followed by
her legs below her knees - and then I pulled her ankles back and secured them
to the centre support of the seat.
She twisted
round and said she was at least reasonably comfortable and then I ran through
the questions I would have asked, about how at access the computer systems and
so on, and she answered them honestly as if she felt she really had no choice.
Then I ran some
rope round her waist to hold her against the chair back, and around her upper
arms and body to make sure they were held tightly together as well. She smiled
as she wriggled round and then her red lips sat over the large knot I had tied
in the grey headscarf, as I tied the rolled-up band round her head to make sure
she stayed quiet while the robbery took place.
She took note
of everything I did after that, the scarf getting darker as it sat in her mouth, before I asked her if she wanted to do some feedback.
She nodded, as I made sure she was still secured and then I gave my feedback
while she rolled her eyes and groaned.
I, of course,
made up for it with dinner afterwards
One more bit of
advising I did and that was how to have an old friend have a very pleasurable
evening. Yvonne has known me for years ever since she came into my shop and
recognised me as the man who had robbed her family home one time. A story for
another day but she was not angry, and uses my services from time to time for
her own pleasure.
So I put on a
smart jacket and a dark jumper with dark pants, leather gloves, and collected
some supplies before I drove at her house as it was getting dark, and held the
valise in my hand as I made my way to the front door, opened it, and slipped
inside.
Yvonne was sat
on a couch, sipping from a glass of wine and I could tell she had been to the
hairdresser that day, as her greying blonde hair was styled. She was wearing a
sleeveless red dress with a black floral print, dark hose
and knee length black suede boots, and was pretending not to notice my presence
in the room until I put a gloved hand over her mouth, and told her not to
struggle or try to raise the alarm.
She did
struggle for a few minutes, but then stopped and nodded as I told her to slowly
get up, and stand with her hands behind her back. I removed my hand as she did
this, and then told her not to say a word as I set the valise on the couch,
opened it and took out a length of red silk rope a
rope I used to bind her crossed wrists tightly together behind her back. I
heard her sigh as she felt the ropes rubbing on her bare wrists, before I took
a longer length out and used it at secure her arms at her sides, framing her
chest in two tight red bands as I did so.
She wriggled
round and let out a soft sigh as I fed the rope over one shoulder, then stood
in front of her and fed the rope round the lower band between her breasts, then
took it back up over her other shoulder. Tying the end off, I invited her at
lie on the couch, and then I crossed and secured her booted ankles tightly
together, the black fabric lightening under the tension of the binding.
I then secured
her legs together below her knees, the band of red rope sitting on the top of
her boots, before I asked her to open her mouth. As she did so, I pushed a
compressed red sponge ball in, seeing her cheeks puff out as it expanded in her
mouth, and then gently pressed the red tape down over her lips to make sure she
could not push it out.
Of course, as a
gentleman, I did not take advantage of the situation, but Yvonne seemed very
happy at what I had done as I hogtied her and she wriggled round on the couch
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