The Cat Advises









Although these days I am an antiques expert and dealer, part of that which does involve consulting with clients who may have questions about their security and sometimes that does involve helping them experience what could happen if they are unfortunate enough to be paid a visit by younger professionals. Let me illustrate what I mean with some recent visits.


Consider, for example, Audrey. She is a local businesswoman, in her early fifties, and when she called me in to assess some Dresden China she had she was wearing a purple sweater and a short black leather skirt, with dark hose and knee length brown leather Frye boots. She had long brown hair, and as we talked about her collection I saw she was making notes on an iPad she had in a red folder.



As she sat on the brown leather sweater, I provided my assessment, and she thanked me for that and then she looked at me, and asked if I had ever experienced a robbery at my place.


Well, I was honest, and said I had not but I knew of people who had been robbed. I did, however, ask why she had asked me and she told me she had been watching an old television series called The Baron. I knew the series - one of Lew Grade’s lesser known efforts. Mildly interesting to me for obvious reasons the main character is an antiques dealer, but in the books he is a reformed jewel thief.


Audrey nodded as I answered her, and then she asked if I would do her a favour - and a friend when she called in a few minutes. I asked what the favour was and she smiled as she stood up, and left the room, coming back with a box which I could see ropes sticking out from. Setting it down, she said she wanted to be tied up like the lead character’s secretary and when her friend arrived, then I would it her up as well before I stopped them both from talking.


I asked if she was wiling for me to do this, and she nodded as she sat on the settee, her back against one armrest as she stretched her legs out, and then held her hands together in front of her in prayer. She had no idea of my past career, so I feigned nervousness as I took some brown rope from the box and tied her wrists together, and then used two more lengths to tie her legs together at her ankles and below her knees.


Audrey nodded as I used one more length to tie her wrists to the rope round her legs below her knees and then the front doorbell rang. She sked if I could let her friend in, and I obliged smiling as I recognised the new arrival.


Laura was an old client of mine about the same age as Audrey, and wearing a long-sleeved dress with grey sleeves and a cowl neck, a black, blue and white swirl pattern on the dress as well. She was also wearing dark hose, in her case with black suede boots - and a smile as she asked why I was there.


I told her I was advising Audrey on her collection but she had asked me to do something else as well. That made Laura raise an eyebrow and she giggled when she saw her friend struggling on the couch, the squeaking sound of leather on leather there for all to hear. Laura laughed in return, and asked if she was having a Baron fantasy again.


Audrey nodded as Laura said well, she would have to be held captive as well, and lay face down on a blue floral couch on the other side of the room, putting her hands behind her back as she looked at me.


Well, I am too much of a gentleman to refuse such a request so I crossed and bound Laura’s wrists together over the cuffs of hr sleeves with the rope, and then secured her ankles together as well as her legs below her knees. Audrey could see how the black fabric of Laura’s boots grew lighter under the binding, before Laura rolled onto her side and I placed a cushion under her head.


Which left the question of the evil burglar keeping them quiet. There was a roll of brown sticking plaster in the box very appropriate for the period the show was set in so I pressed a strip down over each of their mouths, and let them struggle for a while as I kept watch, to ensure they came to no harm.


And then, when they were ready. I made some tea and released them so we could sit and talk




I do occasionally do mock robberies as well - not for personal gain, but I do get requests from people who know of my experiences to do this for clients of theirs. One recent unusual one came from a colleague in Derby, who asked if I would act in this way to demonstrate to a client how easily she could be the victim of a robbery. Now, we get releases and such like signed, so I agreed to do it -which is why that particular Saturday afternoon I was using some lockpicks to open the back door of a terraced house along the old A50, and then getting in with a rucksack of supplies. I could hear the television was on, and I made my way along I was wearing a black jumper and pants, with black leather gloves, but when I looked in I saw that the old Star Trek series was on the television, and the lady in question was watching wearing a copy of the female uniform of the time. That was a red long sleeved mini dress with gold trim on the sleeves, a black collar nd a Star Trek badge on her left breast, dark tights and black knee length leather boots.


She had no idea I was there until I put my gloved hand over her mouth. She struggled - and then I told her I had been sent by her security advisor to make a point. She nodded at that, and then mumbled something that I could not hear. Taking my hand away, she said she had been warned and I was going to do what a real intruder would do.


To both of them.


I wondered what she meant by that, and then her husband came in wearing a long-sleeved gold top with the same decorations, and black shoes. He looked at me, and asked if I was the tester for their lack of security. Well, I admitted I had been asked to show how easy it was, and he said one word.




I then asked if they both agreed to continue, and hey both nodded as I took a roll of white tape from my bag, and tossed it at him, telling him he had to ape his wife’s ankles and legs together. They kept talking to each other, mainly about how he was right and she was wrong, she formed three bands of tape at her ankles, and her legs above and below her knees once I had assured her this tape was one that would not damage her boots or her clothing.


I then Invited him to sit next to her as I took her hands behind her back and taped her wrists together, before I did the same for him and then taped his ankles and legs as well as they both watched the program. White tape over their mouths ensured they could not call for help, before I left them to enjoy their show and made my way round the house, gathering their valuables.


No, I did not steal them I placed them on the low table in front of them as well as a pair of scissors I had found, and told them when they were ready, they could free themselves and then their advisor would contact them.


I left them and went on my own way but I did hear a couple of weeks later they had upgraded their security and their insurance




Amongst the people who refer clients to me are former police officers -a nd the former Detective Sergeant Bobbi Court is one of them. How she discovered my other talents is a tale in itself, and it involves me being called to her flat one day. Not an unusual thing but I knew she had retired the previous evening, and the text seemed to be worded in a strange way.


So I drove to the block of flats she lived in, went to her front door, and rang the doorbell and there was no reply. I rang the doorbell again, and then bent and looked through the letterbox and I could see the mess in the hallway, which also gave me cause for concern.


I called her back, but her phone was off -so I looked at each side, and then took my set of lockpicks out, getting into her flat with little trouble. As I closed the door, I heard the muffled calls and made my way to a bedroom, where I found DS Court.


She was lying on her bed, wearing a red jumper over a designer top, a knee length black skirt, black tights with a white pattern and black shoes - and the edges of a black cloth were sticking out from between her lips as she looked at me.


Her wrists were held together with a pair of handcuffs, which were looped round the headboard, and her ankles and legs were held together with zip ties another zip tie round her head and keeping the cloth in place.


I looked at her and used a penknife to cut the zip tie round her head, then pulled out the black cloth as she asked what I was doing there. Rescuing her, by the look of things, was my reply as I used my tools to release her handcuffs, and then used my penknife at cut the zip ties and remove the very, very wet cloth from her mouth.


Turned out an old case of hers had decided to visit her and celebrate her retirement with a touch of revenge and she was allowed to send a text to someone before he tied her to the bed. I was the lucky recipient and then one I had released her and given her a drink of whisky, she let her colleagues know



Esther Lord runs an insurance office, and she had used my services from time to time for evaluations and then came the time she asked me to stage a robbery in her office, so she could assess the risks involved in that and take appropriate action.


When I called at act this out, she was wearing a green top with brown fur cuffs and collar, and real old fashioned chintz print, as well as a short dark denim skirt, hose and mid-calf black leather boots with a three-inch stiletto heel. Her brown hair was cut short, and she watched as I explained if she was in the office, the intruder would most likely made sure she stayed on the computer chair she was sitting on.


So I started by taking her arms round the back of the chair, and securing her wrists together with rope, before tying the rope to the back support. I then knelt down in front of her and bound her ankles tightly together, followed by her legs below her knees - and then I pulled her ankles back and secured them to the centre support of the seat.


She twisted round and said she was at least reasonably comfortable and then I ran through the questions I would have asked, about how at access the computer systems and so on, and she answered them honestly as if she felt she really had no choice.


Then I ran some rope round her waist to hold her against the chair back, and around her upper arms and body to make sure they were held tightly together as well. She smiled as she wriggled round and then her red lips sat over the large knot I had tied in the grey headscarf, as I tied the rolled-up band round her head to make sure she stayed quiet while the robbery took place.


She took note of everything I did after that, the scarf getting darker as it sat in her mouth, before I asked her if she wanted to do some feedback. She nodded, as I made sure she was still secured and then I gave my feedback while she rolled her eyes and groaned.


I, of course, made up for it with dinner afterwards




One more bit of advising I did and that was how to have an old friend have a very pleasurable evening. Yvonne has known me for years ever since she came into my shop and recognised me as the man who had robbed her family home one time. A story for another day but she was not angry, and uses my services from time to time for her own pleasure.


So I put on a smart jacket and a dark jumper with dark pants, leather gloves, and collected some supplies before I drove at her house as it was getting dark, and held the valise in my hand as I made my way to the front door, opened it, and slipped inside.


Yvonne was sat on a couch, sipping from a glass of wine and I could tell she had been to the hairdresser that day, as her greying blonde hair was styled. She was wearing a sleeveless red dress with a black floral print, dark hose and knee length black suede boots, and was pretending not to notice my presence in the room until I put a gloved hand over her mouth, and told her not to struggle or try to raise the alarm.


She did struggle for a few minutes, but then stopped and nodded as I told her to slowly get up, and stand with her hands behind her back. I removed my hand as she did this, and then told her not to say a word as I set the valise on the couch, opened it and took out a length of red silk rope a rope I used to bind her crossed wrists tightly together behind her back. I heard her sigh as she felt the ropes rubbing on her bare wrists, before I took a longer length out and used it at secure her arms at her sides, framing her chest in two tight red bands as I did so.


She wriggled round and let out a soft sigh as I fed the rope over one shoulder, then stood in front of her and fed the rope round the lower band between her breasts, then took it back up over her other shoulder. Tying the end off, I invited her at lie on the couch, and then I crossed and secured her booted ankles tightly together, the black fabric lightening under the tension of the binding.


I then secured her legs together below her knees, the band of red rope sitting on the top of her boots, before I asked her to open her mouth. As she did so, I pushed a compressed red sponge ball in, seeing her cheeks puff out as it expanded in her mouth, and then gently pressed the red tape down over her lips to make sure she could not push it out.


Of course, as a gentleman, I did not take advantage of the situation, but Yvonne seemed very happy at what I had done as I hogtied her and she wriggled round on the couch







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